His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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