when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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