Pants 0. Shit 1.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
