Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
