I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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