Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
