I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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