why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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