gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
