a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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