Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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