I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize