If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
