The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
