I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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