and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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