It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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