Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
did i just pee glitter
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
