Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize