Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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