Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
