she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
