haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
