Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
