You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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