remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
