Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
