no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
