Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
