Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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