I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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