No, drunk sperm still make babies.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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