Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
