Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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