I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize