I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
try to milk me bitch
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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