so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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