if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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