How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
