Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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