I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
