Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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