yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
