you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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