Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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