We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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