allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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