I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
