Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
