I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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