I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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