I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
