This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
