My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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