I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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