...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
