how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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