If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
