i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
