Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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