Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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